music: Mindless Self Indulgence : I Killed the Rock
This is the last post that I am making public... the rest are going to be friends only posts...
If you have something to say to me, then you say it to my fucking face... I'm tired of people talking shit over the internet and hiding behind anonymity... and I'm sick and fucking tired of people saying things to me that they don't mean... don't say it unless you mean... I am really fucking pissed off right now... I want to hit something so fucking bad... heh... and my hand had just healed up from the last time... oh well... its a vent and I like it... and theres no one anymore that can make me stop doing it... the only people that used to be able to make me stop... well... anyways... hah... I don't fucking regret any of the choices that I've made these last couple months... and I do not regret any of my actions... anyone has a god damn problem with me, you come and we'll fucking settle it... cause I'm tired of talk...
Those that are actually my friends... thanks... and those that lied to me about being a friend can fuck off...
In a day or two this journal is going friends only...
Mostly because people are a bunch of fucking pussies and don't want to put their name to a comment that they make... You can't say it to my face, at least let me know who the fuck you are...
So I spent the last two days with ma girl Elly... good times abounded I would say... she's a cool cat... also met one of her friends named Erin... haha... she's one character... had a convo about her too between me and Elly... next time I visit Elly I need to do what we talked about with Erin, cause she wasn't there at Kappa... Elly knows what I mean... hahaha... Well I am heading back to the party... and even though I really miss Brenadette... well... I don't know... later people... damn it... every time I think about her I get down again...
So I'm probably gonna go put in an application to this lawn care place... it shouldn't be too hard to get a job there, one of my friend's worked there before... I think I'm gonna actually enjoy working there... I need some more physical work and to get out in the sun more...
Anyways... gotta get ready for monday night football night... woop woop...
yea... so I can't walk correctly anymore due to the toe... I can't even fucking run... and me can't get it looked at cause me have no money for a doctor... I can tell a tenden is out of place but thats all right now... at least my knuckles are basically back to normal... anyways... if anyone has any extra money they can lend me... ummm... that'd be really cool of them...
and ummm... Sum up in one word what you think about me
I miiss her so much... wy foes fuckging little shit have to mess things up so gond damn mauch... I want to hit something so vad... and you kno what... I think I ma... cause theres nothing thats ekeping me from doing it... I mean hell, I may as well fuck up the resto f my body... I need to feel physical pain... I need to feel my knuckles gringing agains someting... heeh... fuck everything... and fuck most eberyone...
music: Mighty Mighty Bosstones : I Want My Citry Back
Update on the toe...
Well as far I can tell its back in place... but it seems to have the same problem now as my elbow does... when its moved a certain way it pops right back out again... just great... And the movement that makes it pop out is basically just about every one that is required to walk... so now for probably a majority of my life I'm gonna have a gimp toe that makes me walk all funny... oh well...
last couple of days have been pretty boring... basically all my life consists of right now is looking for a job that will let me work with piercings, cleaning up the apt cause thats one of my jobs to do since my friends are letting me crash at here for as long as I need, drinking beer = another one of my tasks... plus we have a kegarator thats usually filled with Amberbock :) and drawing in my sketchbook... all in all its really not so bad... I am probably going to 80's night at the independent bar with a friend since plans that I had for tonight that were made a while ago fell through... I'm gonna get to hang with one of my friend's that I haven't seen in a long time, she was the first person I met when I came down to Orlando and she kicks major ass... I may head to tampa in a couple days, I'm not sure though... I need to see if I have the gas money...
Oh and Mindless Self Indulgence is apparently playing around here sometime... I need to figure out when... but I'm too lazy at the moment...
Also... I dislocated my big toe.. and ummm... I don't have the damndest clue whether or not the thing is still dislocated... stupid thing feels like its popping in and out when I put pressure on it... blah... oh well... I'll figure it out sometime I guess...
Ugh...well I'll see what happens this weekend... I dunno what's going on but I'll figure something out. I need a job... but I refuse to take out my piercings and I'm not getting a haircut... well... actually I need to get it trimmed abit I guess... the big mess has been getting out of control lately... blah... ::le sigh::... I'm gonna go take a shower and then go running... I need to start running more... I'm getting fat... blah...
Why can't shit just be simple... why can't I just be with someone I care about and not have drama... I just want to cuddle right now... I feel like shit, I thought I was fine but everything keeps coming back to me when I just want to forget about things right now... I doubt if I'll be able to cuddle with the girl I want to right now ever again... oh well... I guess I'll have to see how things go... I can only hope... much good thats done me so far though... hah... hope...
Ummm... I'm going back to cutting... cause you know what... I don't care anymore about people saying that its "bad for me" and that it hurts me... It helps me... and I've been taking the damn meds... and those haven't exactly been helping but I'll keep taking them just on the off chance that they might... and you know what also... I don't apologize for being a flirt just cause your friend's can't handle the fact that you were interested in someone other than them... I'm sorry it made you think differently about me, but I don't apologize for not hiding my feelings or personality... you said you don't want to change me, well thats apart of me... I'm not sorry that I came down here when I did for the reasons I did but I am sorry that you have to go through alot of shit... but I don't apologize for my actions... only that they made you think any less of me because I do caer about you... but I don't change who I am... I am just raving right now... Cutting helps me calm down... maybe I need some stronger meds but cutting helps me calm down... even the song that I use to calm me down isn't working right now... so I'll just put on some punk... I need to feel physical pain to get my mind off this shit... because I can't even go to the girl I care about right now... and I drink also... I drink when I want to... I'm not an alcoholic, I drink socially, I don't sit around like a fucking loser and drink alone... I like beer... I don't use it as a crutch... the cutting would probably be a better example of a crutch... that and hitting nice brick walls to let me see blood run down my fist... fights are good too... but I don't look for them... yea... I'm gonna go try to calm down now...
P.S.
Is it time for a nervous breakdown... oh fuck yea it is... :D
with high hopes she tried to give eternal life but now the little worm is dead without a life don't be sad this is the way that all creatures have to go on their last day to god's arbitrariness you have to bow with no consciousness nothing to know will we ever meet again will we suffer endlessly we are lost in universe we are lost eternally
so I'm wondering if I'm gonna get to be with her... cause ummm... I want to... it just doesn't seem like she wants to... I dunno... thats just the way it seems to me... or maybe I'm just too high...
Worked at firestone last night... I really like that job even though it is tireing as fuck and I'm sore as hell after I get back home and I need to take like 2 showers to get the smell of cigarettes, alcohol and garbage off of me... When I work there I can get my mind off of things... I dunno... I'm always in a good mood when I'm working... hopefully I can get some more nights so I can pay to replace my window and get an apartment... I'm just going to get a fuckign 1 bedroom apartment... I don't want to deal with roomates... I was thinking that me and someone would move in together when I got the apartment but that looks like that ain't happening... I don't know whats going on there but whatever... I just need to get my mind off of shit... thank god for crashing at a friend's place who has a kegarator... glory be and all the good stuff... I sound like an alcoholic... but its not my fault I like drinking... and I know my limits so its all good... well back to the kegarator mother fuckers... I want to cuddle with someone... but I can't...
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optimus_dork's journal
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